Cannot talk!!

How can I say it without hurting you?
How can I say it without hurting myself?
I've been waiting for this moment my whole life, but I cannot talk!
I was just one step away from saying it, but I just couldn't
It hurts me so badly!
And you don't even realize it

I could tell the whole world but you
I don't know
Maybe I Am already insane and I just can't accept it
I'll live with this forever
Or until you see for yourself

Well, let's be realistics
You'll never figure it out
So I'll be still forever

And now is when I say "I AM sorry"

Today I'm gonna write a sad song
I'm gonna make it really long
So that everyone can see
That I'm very unhappy

I wish I wasn't always wrong
I wish it wasn't always my fault
But the finger that you're pointing
Has knocked me on my knees
And all you need to know is

I'm sorry, it's not like me
It's maturity that I'm lacking
So don't, don't let me go
Just let me know that growing up goes slow

I wonder what my mom and dad would say
If I told them that I cry each day
But it's hard enough to live so far away

I wish I wasn't always cold
I wish I wasn't always alone
When the party is over
How will I get home?

If all the rules were made to bend
And you swore you were my friend
Now I have to start all over again

Cause though it's going to take your place
And I'm scared I'll never save
All the pieces of love we made

Where am I?

I don't know where is my possition
I don't know where is his possition
I don't know why I am here
I don't know why he is here

I don't know what to do
I don't know how to do it
I don't know where I am going
I don't know anything

Center of the universe

- Yeah! Sure! You're totally right. She's nobody! The only think she wants is attention, so don't trust her!

- It's impossible!! I can't stand it! I know she's in problems right now, but she doesn't do anything to change it. I've been talking about the same for more than seven months but she doesn't understand!! Really, I think I'm going crazy!!

Hapiness se escribe en Español

Ahora si que no doy más. He decidido escribir hoy en este humilde blog en español porque todo lo que siento en estos momentos no puede traducirse a otro idioma. Esperé casi 10 años para vivir lo que acabo de experimentar el viernes 1 de Junio. Me gustaría (aunque sé que nadie lo leerá) contar toda la historia:

Hace unas semanas atrás una niña llamada Andrea me dio una luz de esperanza para conocer a la banda que desde pequeña sigo. Me invitó a una reunión del fan club oficial de la banda en Chile, asi que acepté inmediatamente. Yo tenía comprada mi entrada en primera fila para el concierto, asi que lo único que faltaba era un poco de organización para quizás conocerlos o tomarles una foto de cerca. En esa reunión quedó todo claro: la ida al aeropuerto, la espera en el hotel, fotos, lienzo, etc. Pasó la semana y llegó el gran día. Me levanté un poco tarde, pero pude llegar a la estación del metro. Lamentablemente la banda ya había llegado al aeropuerto, asi que nos dirigimos al hotel donde se hospedarían. Esperamos casi 5 larguísimas horas antes que Álvaro diera señales de vida, pero nos anunciaba que el resto bajaría en unas horas para saludar, fotografiarse y conseguir un autógrafo. Nos daba lo mismo el frío, pero esperamos... hasta que por fin bajaron! Yo no lo podía creer: estaba a sólo centímetros de la banda que me llena el alma con sus canciones, la banda que hace que mi espíritu se eleve lo más alto posible! Sentía que los amaba de toda mi vida y por fin los tenía frente a mi. Pude conseguir foto con Álvaro, Xabi y Pablo, y una foto de la guapísima Leire (que tiene unos ojos maravillosos) y autógrafos de toda la banda en mi libro que había creado durante el verano. No lo podía creer! 9 años de espera para tenerlos frente a mi! Sentía que mi corazón me explotaría. Después de esos minutos mi cabeza explotaba. Estaba tan llena de alegría que en ese momento me importaba muy poco ir al concierto: estaba satisfecha ya. Camino al lugar del concierto, mi cabeza me doliá demasiado, sentía que estallaría en cualquier momento. Una hora más de espera y por fin pudimos entrar: estaría más cerca de lo que imaginaba de ellos! No lo podía creer! Si hasta podía tocarlos si quisiera! Comienza extrañamente el concierto a la hora exacta. Lo pasé de maravillas! Canté, me emocioné, reí con ellos, hasta que llegó la hora del final (♫ No se va, La Oreja no se va... ♫). Todos sabíamos que después del concierto venía el preciado After Show, en donde los fans que habían adquirido la edición especial de Cometas tenían la posibilidad de estar con ellos casi en privado. Yo no tenía dicho pase, asi que me quedé en la entrada del recinto sólo para esperar un milagro, y el milagro llegó! Me colé con la Zona Oreja o algo así y pude entrar! No lo podía creer! estaría con mis ídolos de toda la vida! Ese momento quedará por siempre en mi retina, y como dije en facebook ni siquiera con una lobotomía lo podré borrar.

Bueno, esa es mi historia. A pesar del frío, sed, hambre, ganas de orinar, esta ha sido una de las experiencias más maravillosas que he experimentado: pude conocer a mis orejos y pude conocer a gente maravillosa! Como dijo una pequeña Valdiviana: "La Oreja, aparte de ser un grupo que sigamos y que queremos mucho, La Oreja también es amistad. Gracias a ellos se crean grandes lazos de amistad que duran años" Ojala sea asi, yo pondré todo de mi parte para que así sea!

A volar chicos! A volar cometas en el cielo!

Nothing left to lose

I was only 20, you were 20 too
It was just 1 month, but was such a long time
In a heartbeat, I would do it all again

Late night text, talking on internet
I try real hard but I can’t forget
Now in a heartbeat, I would do it all again

Now I see that you and me were never meant
Never meant to be now
Now I’m lost somewhere

Lost between Adele and suicide
Ever since the day we died, well
I’ve got nothing left to lose

After Jesus and Rock N Roll
Couldn’t save my immoral soul, well
I’ve got nothing left
I’ve got nothing left to lose

Callin’ out sins just to pass the time
My life goes by in the blink of an eye
I know you want me
I wasn't only lookin’ for a friend

And everything I was
And everything that I’ve become
Just falls into the end and

Now I see that you and me were never meant
Never meant to be now
Now I’m lost somewhere

Lost between Adele and suicide
Ever since the day we died, well
I’ve got nothing left to lose

After Jesus and Rock N Roll
Couldn’t save my immoral soul, well
I’ve got nothing left
I’ve got nothing left to lose

Now I see that you and me were never meant
Never meant to be now
Now I’m lost somewhere

Lost between Adele and suicide
Ever since the day we died, well
I’ve got nothing left to lose

After Jesus and Rock N Roll
Couldn’t save my immoral soul, well
I’ve got nothing left
I’ve got nothing left to lose

Just once

Just once I wasn't afraid
Just once, I promise you
Just once I should think of me
I ask heaven you could stay with me

Just once and never nothing
Just once I lost my wings
Just one I should believe you
And ask you if you want to believe me now

And now I just think about your look
It's an angel that says nothing
And doesn't want to remember
I just sing when I'm with you
Spinning around without knowing what I'm saying
And I cannot breathe

Just once and it is almost nothing
Just once in love
Just once I promise to believe
And I wouldn't say anything before dawn could break

Just once and I no longer want to
Just once stepping on the ground
Just once I took the courage
To this love that doesn't talk about the two of us

And now I just think about your look
It's an angel that says nothing
And doesn't want to remember
I just sing when I'm with you
Spinning around without knowing what I'm saying
And I cannot breathe

Disapointment

Feel horrible!! Last friday would be the best. My friend was feeling very positive about his problem, so I thought every went perfect, until I saw her :( It was strange at first, but then I thought we just had to have fun... The problem was that she left us alone! We didn'k know anybody, so we went by our own. Then she appeared like nothing happened and telling us that she'd called us like ten times. It wasn't our fault, because the music was very loud. The thing is that she left us alone again!!! I couldn't believe!!! I felt very disappointed and I wanted to run away, but I didn't and at the end we had the best time. The thing is that nobody would take this feeling away from me :(

Fear

Today's the day. Don't know what will happen. I'll see her today. It'll be a difficult and strange situation, cos I'll see her sorrounded by all her friends and I'll see him :/ I wish she couldn't introduce me as her ex, it'll be very uncomfortable

Quotes

"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk."

"Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made."

"I thought briefly of the clichés, about how you were suppose to see your life flash before your eyes. I was so much luckier. Who wanted to see a rerun, anyway?
I saw him, and I had no will to fight."

" Goodbye, I love you, was my last thought."

" I'd never seen anything more beautiful — even as I ran, gasping and screaming, I could appreciate that. And the last seven months meant nothing. And his words in the forest meant nothing. And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived."

"But I wasn't so stupid as to think that saving him would mean that I could stay with him. I was no different, no more special than I'd been before. There would be no new reason for him to want me now. Seeing him and losing him again.

"I fought back against the pain. This was the price I had to pay to save his life. I would pay it."

Hope

Mr. Tulio: I'm writting to you because I have to tell you something very important. I'm really tired! Sometimes I think I'm gonna give up, but I realize it is not my problem. Anyway, today I wanna talk about her. Don't know what's going on. Sometimes I think she's back again, but then I feel like it's impossible, that I'm loosing her again. Last night she was in my dreams and it was the best dream!!! I felt her very close, like we were doing the right thing, but this morning I felt really disappointed because it was just another dream. I'm always begging for the moment she wakes up and realized how much I care about her. Maybe this friday will be the opportunity, I just wanna know. I will have that HOPE, always

Big white room

Sit in a big, white room alone
Tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down
Close my eyes to see in the dark
I feel young, broken, so, so scared

I don't wanna be here anymore, I wanna be somewhere else
Normal and free like I used to be
But I have to stay in this big, white room
With little old me

I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going crazy, yeah, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine

Sitting in a big white room alone
Close the door, don't want the pain to come in, no
I clench my fist and try to stay strong, I cry, I feel sick
My heart's beating, b-b-beating, beating out of control

Can I run, run faster than you? I wanna feel my body again
Feel the wind in my hair
But I have to stay in this big, white room
'Cause no one else cares, no, no, no, no, no, n-n-no, no

I'm going crazy, yeah, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine

Everybody's looking at me, everybody's staring at me
What do I do now? Smile, yeah, yeah
Everybody's looking at me, everybody's staring at me
What do I do now? Smile, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh

I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going cra-c-c-crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine

I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine

Feeling sick

Asdasd: Hello Bonnie Blue. How are you today? It's easter's day! You should be happy!

Bonnie: you know me more than anyone in this world. You know everything about me. You know so much that you can even write a book about my whole life. You know that I am NOT okay. I've been suffering because of him for more than 3 months and these last days I've been feeling very sick about it.

Asdasd: please tell me! What do you feel?

Bonnie: when I talk to him, and he tells me everything, I feel the same he can feel. Don't know why, but it's like he's contaminating me with his feelings. I don't wanna feel this anymore! It makes me feel horrible. Please give me some medicine, some morphine that makes me forget him!!! I'm going crazy!!!

Asdasd: you wanna forget him, do you really think that FORGET is the right word?

Bonnie: don't know. I don't wanna forget him, I really care about him, but I don't want him to control me. I wanna have the decision to think about me, nobody but me! I don't wanna feel sick anymore :(

Asdasd: you should then ask a doctor in a mental hospital. I can see you can't stand it, so please ask ASAP in your school or college from Mr. Tulio. He will help you.

Bonnie: thanks Asdasd! You're always giving me the right answer for everything. I really apreciate it! I won't live without you.

Asdasd: you know i'll be here if you need me, always

Giving up

I don't know how I am alive right now. I cried a lot last night thinking about the same, but I'm out of resources. I just realize that I haven't overcome my first situation and now I have to deal with something similar. The thing is that this isn't my problem, so I don't really know how to deal with!!! I almost hate him because of that. I've been in both sides and I don't care about him anymore. He wouldn't follow me, so this is the first and last day I cry because of him.

I was thinking about something about it... and it was something that really bugs me... He never thanks me!! And he's always complaining and saying I don't help him... maybe that's why I feel about to cry and angry when I look at him :|

From now on I will start to worry about me, I and myself (maybe she will be on my mind as well, as always)

My love right now

"As my life shatters around me I only see you.. As my smile becomes fake and my heart is in two.
I can’t help but think that what we had is now gone.. The tears can’t stop and my heart is torn.
As the years fly by I watch u and slowly get stronger. Then I got to the point I thought I didn’t need u any longer.
But one day you walk right back in my life and smile. And my heart can’t help but beat a thousand miles…
We’re only friend but sure it’s better than nothing. But I sometimes wished things went back to when I imagined u as my husband..
I hide how I feel for you as best as I can now. So I don’t start another war between us and lose the second round…
Even though we’re not together my heart is taken. And maybe ur feelings about me will eventually reawaken…."

Those things you think will never happen

I always thought that being a student was as simple as go to classes, to study and that was it! But I never gave too much thought about the day that I had nothing to do, in a strange place, surrounded by people that don't like me, where nobody cares about me and with the feeling I don't know if I have to be here or not. These are the most frustrated days where I wanna give up, take some money, mi iPod, my camera and run away, get lost in the middle of nowhere, at Into the wild's style, or take a year to find out those famous 'Horrocruxes'. But then I go down to earth and I decide to do it, to go ahead and to pretend I have a happy life and that everything is perfect :D